Hungry and no bed

Last Sunday afternoon while walking downtown I met up with Carrie.  I asked how she was doing and she told me she is surviving.  She told me that the previous night there were no beds at the shelter for her so she slept in the front entrance of a bank.  She told me there are only 2 banks downtown who don't lock their doors to the ATM's and often she is sleeping in one of them.

As we spoke for a few more minutes she said she was hungry and going to make some money so she can eat.  One doesn't haven't to let their imagination go too far to know what she is doing to make money.

I had no money on me to help with her hunger.  I have made a decision that when I walk downtown to carry no cash as I would likely give it all away.  It is easier for me to say no when I truly don't have any money on me.  I do carry a debit card though in case I truly feel God telling me to feed someone.

As I left her and continued on my walk my heart ached for her.  I just could not imagine my bed being a cold floor inside the bank doors and the only sound I hear are my stomach hunger pains.  At the very least she is warm and inside from the elements but honestly it is still a terrible situation.

What a Night!

I know it has been ages since I have blogged anything on here and honestly I am never sure what to write and just don't want it to be anything meaningless.  But I need to share what happened last night after my walk.

Last night I had been walking downtown after work and had parked somewhere that I normally don't which lead me to driving down a road I normally would not have which then led me to Ed.  I spotted Ed out of the corner of my eye huddled in a business doorway as I drove past him.  In those few seconds I only saw him and his backpack.  I was actually heading home and wanted to stop at Subway for dinner but there was no way I could go buy dinner knowing Ed was likely hungry too.  So I stopped at Safeway and bought a few sandwiches, some bananas, a couple of cookies, a small bag of chips and a package of juice boxes thinking this would be enough for tonight and maybe breakfast the next day too.

As I got in my car at Safeway I prayed Lord if I am meant to feed him please let him still be there - and he was!  So I parked my car across the street, grabbed the bags from the backseat of my car and made my way to this unknown man.  As I approached he lifted his head that he had snugly tucked into his jacket to keep warm, and when we made eye contact I asked him if wanted some food.  He said I guess and I placed the food beside him.  As I stepped back to lean on the opposite side of the doorway I asked him if he was ok.  That he is when he started to tell me how he ended up on the streets.  I am not sure which parts of his story were true and I was in no position to make that judgement as before me sat a man who is my age and is living on the streets.  The short story for Ed is that he hurt is back at work and is now on $900 a month disability - just $900!!  Rent in Vernon for a single apartment is $700+ and renting just a room is almost half of that if you can find a decent place/room to rent.  How can anyone live on $900 a month?  The answer is they can't unless they are in low income subsidized housing. The government only allows $375 per month for rent, that is not even possible in Vernon.  I would love to see our Premier Christy Clark rent a place for $375 and feel safe and be warm!  What is wrong with our government?!

Ed seemed to be very polite and it felt like he needed to have someone listen.  Soon the wife he spoke of was also there with us, her name is Teresa.  She is younger then Ed and looks as though life has not been kind to her.  She is pretty in her own way but I could not help but notice she had a few teeth missing and she had sores on her hands and face from the skin that she had picked away.  She wasn't there long with us at first as she was needing to find an outdoor plug in to charge her cell phone which I was surprised that she had.   But before she left she did tell me about her struggles with getting help and having to see counselors and not always being able to see the same one each time.  She mentioned with them constantly changing how can you learn to trust someone - to which I agreed with her.

Then I saw another really thin lady walking in our direction.  As she got closer I could hear her muttering and she seem agitated.  She said something to Teresa that I could not understand the meaning of but later realized it was likely code that she needed a hit of something and then she left.  When she came back only a short time later she was less agitated but still continued to pace.  Her name is Carrie.  I wasn't sure if the pacing was the drugs or that she was cold or a combination of both.

As I leaned against the doorway they shared more and I just stood there in awe of what I was hearing and that God has placed me there to listen.   I learned that Ed is a mechanic and a truck driver but unable to work due to his back.  He is also very protective of both Teresa and Carrie.  All 3 stay at the Gateway shelter at night if there are beds available as the shelter only has 10 beds.  I believe you have to be there by 9p or else you run the chance of the shelter being full.  If there are no beds you may get to sleep on a 2 inch mat.  I cannot even imagine how uncomfortable that would be but I guess for them it is somewhere warm.

Both Teresa and Carrie are prostitutes.  They were telling me that they have 'regulars' that help make up for the shortfall of money.  I wanted to tell them they didn't have to live that way but who was I to say anything - I have no idea what life on the streets is like.  So how could I, who has a great job and home tell them how to live their lives - I can't.

I was there for over an hour and I could feel how cold my feet were inside of my slightly expensive and warm boots.  I could not even begin to image how cold they were, and to be that cold night after night.  I felt terrible for them and I felt hopeless.

As we talked they mentioned a few things that could be done to make a difference for those on the streets.  I was told that there are no food services for them on the weekends other than lunch at the Anglican church on Sunday's.  Teresa said there used be to hot dogs at Polson Park on Sunday but that stopped and there used to be a truck every now and then park downtown and have sandwiches and hot coffee at night, but that has stopped too.  I can't help but wonder if they stopped due to the cost buying what was needed.  But I wonder if they knew the cost the street people were paying when they go hungry at night.  The Ark at Vernon Family Church is open Friday night I was told and The Mission is only Monday to Friday during the day.

I know we all make our own choices and sometimes things in our lives are decided for us that we have no control over whatsoever.  But regardless of those decisions, we cannot and should not ever look down at these people or even consider that we can judge them.  We need to help them.  To listen to their stories.  To share their stories. To fill their bellies and show that someone does really care.

As I left I promised them I would take what they told me regarding the needs and share with people who I knew may be able to make a difference.  I am not sure who yet to talk to but I am a person of my word and I will find with God's help who I am to talk to.  I have Teresa's cell number if I ever need it and she told me that most of the street people would even volunteer in serving the food.  They are not always looking for handouts.  Personally I would rather serve them and give them a night off of trying to figure out how to survive!

As I drove home I thanked God for the opportunity to meet them and you bet when I see them on the streets I will stop and talk to them.  I didn't feel impressed to share about God or His Son Jesus.  I honestly felt that I could not correctly separate Jesus from whatever church or religious views they may have.  I didn't know if I could defend the 'church' when it is likely the 'church' who have let these people down time and time again.

When I got home and throughout the rest of the evening I was processing what had just happened.  Not really sure what I can do or how I can help but I know God has placed a soft spot in my heart for the street people.  As a climbed into my bed that is way more than 2 inches thick and I felt the warm blankets on my body it took all I had for my heart to not break.

I need to carefully and prayerfully seek God on how I can make a positive difference in their lives!

On February 20 I have signed up to walk 5K to raise money for The Mission who does make a difference in the lives of the street people.  The Mission is just a small part of the solution and even their resources are limited.  I am not sure I can walk 5K - but I will for Ed, Teresa and Carrie as those 3 will be on my mind each step I take that night.

Spring is here again!

I can believe it has been over 2 years since my last post.  But then again I can believe it as life just seems to fly by at break neck speed sometimes.

I am so looking forward to Spring this year.  As always spring represents newness, starting over or starting again and a freshness to life that winter just seems to suck out.  The dark days of winter are gone and the fresh air of spring in the cool early  mornings is here.  As I look outside tonight across the lake and over the mountain side there is not a cloud in the sky - simply beautiful.

Today is Palm Sunday and in 7 days it will be Easter Sunday.  3 days before Easter Sunday is Good Friday - the day God's only son Jesus died for me and you!  Hard to grasp that a day when Jesus was crucified would be called Good Friday.  Just the word "crucified" sounds like a horrible painful death - and it was for Jesus and anyone else who succumbed to death that way.

I remember many many years ago buying a new spring dress to be worn for the first time on Easter Sunday. I also remember spending time with my family and finding something to do together.  I no longer buy the new dress and I no longer spend time with my family.  My tastes of changed and with my family living from coast to coast in Canada distance keeps my family apart.

I also remember many Easter Sunday morning going to the grandstand at Polson Park for a sunrise service. Depending what month Easter was in those morning could be quite cold outside.  I never knew who I would see there but often ran into someone I knew.  It was a neat feeling to go to that service.  However that tradition has long since ended and the grandstand burnt down quite a few years ago.

Traditions are an interesting thing.  They often are roots in our families and often are a comfort for family members.  But what does a person do when those traditions no longer exist?  I don't miss shopping for a dress, but I do miss my family and I miss what feels familiar.

Breathing

Finally a chance to breathe.  I mean to really take a breath, the kind of breath that actually fills my lungs, that is deep and not shallow.  Where I don't have to hold it in but can exhale without being anxious.
It has been ages since I have blogged and it has not been for the lack of things happening in my life but more the lack of time and quietness to sit and pull my thoughts together.  Too many times I wanted to write but just could never fit it in....until now.
What do I say?  Where do I start?  Who will listen?
As I sit here writing I am listening to The Gaithers channel and being blessed.  They all sing with such truth in their hearts and passion for what they believe and who they believe in!!
I will start with saying so far 2012 has gotten off to a fast paced start.  But not the kind of face pace that one can look back with smiles and laughter.  More instead of 'whew I can't believe I have made it through all of that!'.
My first phone call I received on New Years day was from my cousin telling me my grandpa had died.  At some point everyone dies but it is always too early no matter what their age.  Grandpa died in the early hours of January 1, 2012.  It was a complete shock to me and the family as he was not sick, but he was 86 years old.  I spent a lot of time with my grandma that day awaiting for family to arrive that would start to tend to funeral matters and making sure grandma was looked after.  The hardest part that day was listening to my grandma talk to my mom on the phone, telling my mom that her dad was gone.  In the midst of keeping track of travel plans for family members my grandma would have a small heart attack and 2 mini strokes, all of this happening only two days after her husbands death.  Grandma could not attend her husbands funeral and there were times we thought we were going to loose her to.  Things just did not look good for her.  My mom and aunt Trudy really came to the plate and tended to grandma in her many hours of need.  Nights staying vigil at her bedside so that she was not alone in the hospital, trying to make her as comfortable as possible and at the same time grieving the loss of their own dad.  In total my grandma spent approximately 30 days in the hospital before she was released into a care home.  Her husband left their home in an ambulance and so did she a few days later.  Neither of them to return to their home again.
Just days after grandma was moved and beginning to settle, my home life would once again be interrupted by a choice I did not make.  I felt spent already from January starting off so terrible.  On February 1 I was told I had to move.  And so the search began for a new home.  One that was just for me.  Alone.  Again. I dreaded looking, I dreaded the thought of packing, I was disappointed and hurt.  But some how God was to remain faithful....right??
So for two months I hardly slept at night.  Many nights were short as my mind struggled with what choices I had to make and what would it look like.  I still needed to work full time and some days I struggled with that.  I just wanted to run and had no where to run to escape the pressure I was under.  Many tears were shed out of grief, disbelief, hurt and frustration.
I did find a place.  It will work for now.  I am not interested in packing again anytime soon but I do know this is not my forever home.  Only God knows how long I will be at this address and I will listening closely for his words telling me it is time to move.
I have missed his voice in the hectic pace of the last 2 1/2 months.  I have tried to quiet my heart to listen but often the only words I cry out is how much I need him and I don't know what to do anymore.
He is faithful.  Even though I don't understand why this year started off so bad.  Even though I don't understand the whole reason of having to move.  Even though I don't know what will happen next....He is still faithful!
In Jeremiah 29:11 God shares how He knows the plans for his children.  To proper them and to not harm them.  Plans to give hope and a future.  Then we will call on him and come and pray.  When we seek him and find him we will seek him with all our heart.  I know that God does not cause bad things to happen in our lives as he is a loving God and not a cruel God.  But I do know that the world we live in isn't always nice, pleasant and perfect.  That is where we can turn to God and ask for his help, ask for him to shelter us under his wings, to stand guard and protect.  To hold us in his lap.  Oh how I long for that.  Just picturing that warms my heart!
Tomorrow is a new day and today is not yet over.

Winds of Change continue to blow

When I last posted 5 months things were just beginning to change in my life however I was not sure then what it would look like. Even today I am not sure but I know that God is faithful and that He only has the best for me!!

In the last 5 months I have...

Changed churches and am now a worship leader at Grace Bible Church. This move was truly a God thing as I never entertained the idea of leaving APC.

I have moved in with my dear friend and her son. In all my adult life I have never had a roommate to speak of. I just could not imagine sharing my home with someone I didn't know. Now at 41 I have a roommate!! I would be lying if I said it was easy blending two homes into one. First off there is all the stuff to deal with, kitchen items to furniture to bath towels and bed sheets. So much to decide on what to keep and what to give away. Thankfully I lived fairly simple in my apartment so I didn't have loads to pack but I know I still gave a fair share away. Also when blending two homes there is a blending of living styles. Our life style is the same; simply to honor God and live a good life. However our day to day living styles are different. Our place is large enough for the 3 of us and thus far we are getting along just great (of course after a few minor adjustments).  It is quite neat when God takes what you think you know and gives it a bit of a twist.  In our house we laugh lots, we honor and respect each other (most of the time), we enjoy each other and most of all we all love God with all that we are!

I also got to meet my niece Iris this summer!!! My family all got together in Sylvan Lake AB and spent some much needed time together. It had been 5 years since we were all in the same place which was my brothers wedding in St John's New Foundland; us kids are spread out from the Pacific coast to the Atlantic coast.

Iris is 18 months and she stole my heart!

At last we have a recent family picture!  It took us until the last day together to pull it off!

I was also on vacation for almost a month and sadly now am back at work.  However I do love my job but I also loved taking the much deserved break.

I anticipate this fall to be another season of growth.  I look forward to what is in store and I look forward into growing deeper into who I am and the path I am to follow in life.

Winds of Change

Wow it has been 6 months since I have blogged! That can mean many things and none of which would include my life is quiet. It is just so much has happened I am not sure where to start. But no time like the present to take time to sit down and jot some things down. At the very list I will have my own personal blog (journal) to look back on.

December 2010
Three weeks before the year was going to end news had come my way that indicated a big change in what I was used to. Let me back track a wee bit in hopes that you will understand better. June 2009 was the month that myself and Pam teamed up together in ministry as worship leaders. To make a very long story short; God brought us together to minister as a team. Prior to that time we knew of each other as we attended the same church but never once did it cross my mind that we would minister together until one day God laid it out before us and has since confirmed it many times over.

So the news that came was Pam was moving on to a new job as a secretary for a church and that church wanted to her attend there as part of her employment. Apparently this is common in churches for many reasons that likely make sense somehow.

You might be asking well how does this affect me? Great question! It affects me as we minister together. If she does not attend APC (my church) then we can't minister at APC (Alexis Park Church), it just doesn't work and leadership will never allow it to happen. So.....I know had to figure out what I was going to do. Was God going to have me stay at APC and have someone else play the piano for me. You see I sing and read music but I don't play an instrument that is suited for leading worship such as a piano or guitar. This is where Pam comes in on the ministry part....she plays the piano. She plays with passion and love for our King......it is the most beautiful sound I have heard!!

Ok back to my decision on what to do. I honestly can say I had no clue and I was very distressed about the whole thing. I felt as though I was loosing a dear friend in Pam and loosing a ministry that I thought for sure God had put together and I was positive this is where he wanted me to be....at APC. But all too soon none of the pieces of this puzzle were adding up. I was hurt, confused, mad, frustrated, lonely, numb and full of questions.

In early January I committed to stay on as worship leader until the end of April. I didn't want to leave APC in a pinch being short one worship leader and Pam agreed to stay on with me. So at least I knew what I was doing till the end of April or so I thought.

January 22:
I was preparing songs for an evening service we were having on Sunday night. After what seemed like endless pleas to God to give me direction on what I am to do; I received part of my answer on January 22. As I walked into the sanctuary that day I felt in my spirit God say 'this is no longer your church'. I was stunned! I have been there for 16+ years how could this no longer be my church?! But in the few minutes it took for me to realize what happened I all the sudden felt like a visitor in that church and I realized this is my release to move on. Move on to where though?? I had no clue. No answer. Still just questions.

I'll skip some minor details here.

February 21 was the day I met with Pastor Kempner, my pastor at APC to tell him I was leaving. However he already figured I was leaving because Pam was leaving. What he did not know or even yet understand today is the turmoil I was in when I had no clue what I was going to do. I want to never be outside of God's will for me and for quite sometime I was unsure what that will was going to look like. So if you are keeping up with me I have now had the release to leave my church of 16+ years and my pastor knows I will be leaving as of the end of April or earlier if he decides. But I still have no clue as to where.

March 21:
Pam has told me she has to attend where she works, no questions asked. I was surprised sort of but not really. I was hoping for something else but in the end God really does know best.....right?

There really isn't an end to write yet as this journey is still unfolding. There are a few things I know at least for now. April 10 is my last Sunday leading worship at APC. After that I will be attending Grace Bible Church but for how long am I not sure. You see not everyone in that church accepts the whole gospel of Jesus. But I do! I have ideas as to why God is calling Pam and I to that church and if I am right it will be a very humbling, exhilarating, wonderful, God filled experience!

I am hoping to be back on here soon to fill in some blanks that are still left. Like I said this is still all unfolding and I am excited to be on this journey even though there have already been times where I have faced pain and uncertainty. However I know that my Papa will lead me where I need to be as long as I listen to him.

Stay tuned.....

Unexpected

These last 7 days have been quite interesting for me. It was of those times in my life that when I look back it will bring a smile to my face and warmth to my heart!

Last Tuesday I came home from work with a slight cough and thought nothing much of it. That is until I woke up in the middle of the night with a painfully sore throat and a fear to cough knowing how much it was going to burn in my chest. In a mere few hours I went from feeling ok to I am no longer sure what is happening. When I woke Wednesday morning my throat was still sore and I felt horrible. As the morning progressed it all got worse to the point of not going to work. Sore throat. Coughing but would much rather hold my breath as it hurt so bad. Fever. Sweating. I guess you could say I was sick. But being I am stubborn I just didn't realize how sick until much later that day and into the evening.

That evening my dear sweet friend Pam, after much convincing and straight talk, had me packing a bag and heading to her place to be taken care of. I was more concerned about them catching this from me then being taken care of but boy am I glad I went. Upon arrival I dropped my bags at the door and made my way to the all too familiar lazy boy. I thought I would be sick for the night and back at work the next day. Was I wrong!! I finally made it back to work Monday....5 days later.

But I learned a few things in 5 days of being taken care of while sick that I don't think I would have learned if I wasn't sick. Interesting sometimes how life works out the details.

I learned...
~ Friends are priceless and will do whatever it takes when they can. My friend graciously gave up her bedroom for me. She opened her home to someone very sick. She tended to my needs. She showed a love that had no conditions attached. She ran errands for me, made tea with honey, cooked meals, bought medications, made sure my cats were fed and even a run or two to Starbucks was done.

~ Rest is a good thing. there were times she had to be stern in telling me to rest as 'resting' is not something I do well....but I am learning.

~ Friends come in all ages...young and old. Richard bless his heart, is an amazing 10 yr old. He was so concerned about my fever that one night he put a cold cloth on my forehead, a frozen towel on my neck and then knelt beside me with a bowl full of cool water in which he would dip his hand and gently run it on my arm. This simply blew me away!!

~ You can't always leave when you want to. I tried to leave Friday morning to go to work and then head home only to break out in a fever once again. My bags were all packed, the bedding changed and I thought I was on my way. My body had other ideas. So back to bed I went yet again.

~ You need shoes to go home. Richard decided at one point to hide my shoes so that I could not go home. I thought this was a genius idea!

~ Sometimes you can't plan. I never planned on getting sick and surely never planned on staying at Pam's for so many days but through this journey I learned a lot.

~ Love is not always something felt....it can also been shown.

Even though I was sick I would not have changed any of these past 7 days.

I believe it is at times like this that a friendship grows stronger. When we are not at our best is when we are most ourselves. I wore pj's and bedhead for most of those sick days and it didn't matter to Pam or Richard what I looked like, what mattered was on the inside.

I know I am truly blessed and loved! What a GREAT feeling!!