Finally a chance to breathe. I mean to really take a breath, the kind of breath that actually fills my lungs, that is deep and not shallow. Where I don't have to hold it in but can exhale without being anxious.
It has been ages since I have blogged and it has not been for the lack of things happening in my life but more the lack of time and quietness to sit and pull my thoughts together. Too many times I wanted to write but just could never fit it in....until now.
What do I say? Where do I start? Who will listen?
As I sit here writing I am listening to The Gaithers channel and being blessed. They all sing with such truth in their hearts and passion for what they believe and who they believe in!!
I will start with saying so far 2012 has gotten off to a fast paced start. But not the kind of face pace that one can look back with smiles and laughter. More instead of 'whew I can't believe I have made it through all of that!'.
My first phone call I received on New Years day was from my cousin telling me my grandpa had died. At some point everyone dies but it is always too early no matter what their age. Grandpa died in the early hours of January 1, 2012. It was a complete shock to me and the family as he was not sick, but he was 86 years old. I spent a lot of time with my grandma that day awaiting for family to arrive that would start to tend to funeral matters and making sure grandma was looked after. The hardest part that day was listening to my grandma talk to my mom on the phone, telling my mom that her dad was gone. In the midst of keeping track of travel plans for family members my grandma would have a small heart attack and 2 mini strokes, all of this happening only two days after her husbands death. Grandma could not attend her husbands funeral and there were times we thought we were going to loose her to. Things just did not look good for her. My mom and aunt Trudy really came to the plate and tended to grandma in her many hours of need. Nights staying vigil at her bedside so that she was not alone in the hospital, trying to make her as comfortable as possible and at the same time grieving the loss of their own dad. In total my grandma spent approximately 30 days in the hospital before she was released into a care home. Her husband left their home in an ambulance and so did she a few days later. Neither of them to return to their home again.
Just days after grandma was moved and beginning to settle, my home life would once again be interrupted by a choice I did not make. I felt spent already from January starting off so terrible. On February 1 I was told I had to move. And so the search began for a new home. One that was just for me. Alone. Again. I dreaded looking, I dreaded the thought of packing, I was disappointed and hurt. But some how God was to remain faithful....right??
So for two months I hardly slept at night. Many nights were short as my mind struggled with what choices I had to make and what would it look like. I still needed to work full time and some days I struggled with that. I just wanted to run and had no where to run to escape the pressure I was under. Many tears were shed out of grief, disbelief, hurt and frustration.
I did find a place. It will work for now. I am not interested in packing again anytime soon but I do know this is not my forever home. Only God knows how long I will be at this address and I will listening closely for his words telling me it is time to move.
I have missed his voice in the hectic pace of the last 2 1/2 months. I have tried to quiet my heart to listen but often the only words I cry out is how much I need him and I don't know what to do anymore.
He is faithful. Even though I don't understand why this year started off so bad. Even though I don't understand the whole reason of having to move. Even though I don't know what will happen next....He is still faithful!
In Jeremiah 29:11 God shares how He knows the plans for his children. To proper them and to not harm them. Plans to give hope and a future. Then we will call on him and come and pray. When we seek him and find him we will seek him with all our heart. I know that God does not cause bad things to happen in our lives as he is a loving God and not a cruel God. But I do know that the world we live in isn't always nice, pleasant and perfect. That is where we can turn to God and ask for his help, ask for him to shelter us under his wings, to stand guard and protect. To hold us in his lap. Oh how I long for that. Just picturing that warms my heart!
Tomorrow is a new day and today is not yet over.
